"What's on your mind?"

Restless. Can't sleep. So exhasted but I can't close my eyes.

This apartment is too empty, too lonely, too quiet.

I don't know what I want right now. Just someone maybe; a beating heart, a human voice.

Maybe there is more I want.

I feel like I am waiting for something. But I don't know what. I am counting the days, the weeks, the months. I can feel myself wishing for time to pass. I am restless inside. I feel anxious. I am impatient.

I think about now and I don't feel consious. I feel like I am floating. My life now feels surreal, as if I am viewing someone else's life. I am learning to walk with someone else's legs, talk through someone else's mouth. Nothing makes sense. Did it ever?

I never realized how tramatic something like breaking up or going through family trouble can be or how it can truely impact you. I am starting to realize it now.

Part of me wants nothing to do with life before and wants everything different and unfamiliar. Part of me wants the comfort and routine of before that kept me grounded and centered as a person, as a human being. Everyday is a struggle over want and need to satisfy one or the other.

I am unstable. I am volitile. I am a time-bomb inside waiting to explode.

And I am terrified of destroying someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt.

I love, you.

I am falling in love with someone.

It took me so long to fall out of love with someone else, that to think someone can make me feel this way so quickly is insane.

I am in a constant struggle over rationality and impulse.

How honest is it to deny the way I feel on the inside? How honest are those feelings anyway?

My head is a mess. My heart is so jumbled.

I feel like he gets upset over the things I say or do sometimes. Sometimes I don't know when to shut my mouth.

I'm so confused. I wish I was more clearheaded. I want to tell him the right things at the right moment.

I wish he could reach into my head and pull out exactly what I want to tell him sometimes, because words just get in the way. I want him to see the essence of my emotion, untainted by reason or influences.

I want him to know how hard it is to maintain my composure around him, because he makes me weak inside. He strips the walls around me and exposes me to direct sunlight, when I have only viewed it through a window at my discretion. He challenges me as a person.

I want him to know that even if I have nothing to offer him, I will offer him all the intangible things that he does need and doesn't always have.

Unconditional love and support. An emotional shelter in the worst of the days. Empathy and understanding.

This blog is a mess.

Sleepless Nights are for Lovers

My apartment is empty tonight. It feels strange. I spent the first two hours tonight finally alone, by falling asleep on my bed.

I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately. I wonder if that is why I am so sick. To be honest, there isn't any reason to want to sleep. Not when I want to spend most of my waking hours with him. Not when sleep is simply a means to pass time more quickly, rather than rest.

Three weeks has been a lifetime. My entire life so far has been waiting for these three weeks.

I don't want to move back to my parent's house. I don't want to be back there again. I don't want to do this again. I don't want this.

Ego

Found Anthem in my car and read some of it when I parked. Rand's writing never ceases to amaze me, no matter how many times I read and re-read it.

This excerpt of her novella spoke to me today:

"I know not if this earth on which I stand is the core of the universe or if it is but a speck of dust lost in eternity. I know not and I care not. For I know what happiness is possible to me on earth. And my happiness needs no higher aim to vindicate it. My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is it's own goal. It is it's own purpose."

Pandora

Just logged into my Myspace today after a "Hot Minute". I had a message from an old friend and after replying, I realized that my inbox was still intact and going back into 130+ pages of messages, obviously from when I first used Myspace.

I found everything. Everything I didn't want to see and everything I didn't want to remember.

I found the message Corey sent me when he cheated the first time. I found the messages I sent back and forth from the girl he messed with. I found messages related to the Xanga incident with Evan 4 years ago. I found messages with my best friend Samantha when we were fighting. I found messages I sent to guys I was interested in at the time, as I pushed them away out of my own self-resentment.

I found the futile unanswered messages I sent to Corey's roommates who had stolen our things. I found the rise and fall of my relationships with people, over a series of messages over time. I found the nasty words I sent to people and the demeaning attitude I took to people I felt were expendable.

I found out that Annabelle and I had a mutual communication at some point, exchanging messages about life and how life was going, I found out that she was aware I read her blog. I wonder how much of it, was my obsession with trying to find out how Evan's life was without me.

I make myself sick sometimes.

It was all too much. I felt like falling to the ground, like I was suffocating. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I was numb by heartbreak inside. I broke down. I closed the screen and shut my eyes. I had opened my own Pandora's Box.

I realized then, the exact reason why I spent years blocking these things out and fading out the harsher memories, only remembering bits and pieces, never verbatim, never exact.

It hurt. Not just what happened. But everything I was, hurt. It bothered me to think of myself like that back then. Naive, closeminded, reckless.

I wonder if this is why I am so self-sacrificing and empathic now. I wonder if this is why I was so forgiving with Corey, because I was repenting unconciously.

I wonder who I will be five more years from now. Will I hate who I am today?

"Saltwater Room" -Owl City

♥♥♥
Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time

When we're apart what ever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time