"What's on your mind?"

Restless. Can't sleep. So exhasted but I can't close my eyes.

This apartment is too empty, too lonely, too quiet.

I don't know what I want right now. Just someone maybe; a beating heart, a human voice.

Maybe there is more I want.

I feel like I am waiting for something. But I don't know what. I am counting the days, the weeks, the months. I can feel myself wishing for time to pass. I am restless inside. I feel anxious. I am impatient.

I think about now and I don't feel consious. I feel like I am floating. My life now feels surreal, as if I am viewing someone else's life. I am learning to walk with someone else's legs, talk through someone else's mouth. Nothing makes sense. Did it ever?

I never realized how tramatic something like breaking up or going through family trouble can be or how it can truely impact you. I am starting to realize it now.

Part of me wants nothing to do with life before and wants everything different and unfamiliar. Part of me wants the comfort and routine of before that kept me grounded and centered as a person, as a human being. Everyday is a struggle over want and need to satisfy one or the other.

I am unstable. I am volitile. I am a time-bomb inside waiting to explode.

And I am terrified of destroying someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt.

I love, you.

I am falling in love with someone.

It took me so long to fall out of love with someone else, that to think someone can make me feel this way so quickly is insane.

I am in a constant struggle over rationality and impulse.

How honest is it to deny the way I feel on the inside? How honest are those feelings anyway?

My head is a mess. My heart is so jumbled.

I feel like he gets upset over the things I say or do sometimes. Sometimes I don't know when to shut my mouth.

I'm so confused. I wish I was more clearheaded. I want to tell him the right things at the right moment.

I wish he could reach into my head and pull out exactly what I want to tell him sometimes, because words just get in the way. I want him to see the essence of my emotion, untainted by reason or influences.

I want him to know how hard it is to maintain my composure around him, because he makes me weak inside. He strips the walls around me and exposes me to direct sunlight, when I have only viewed it through a window at my discretion. He challenges me as a person.

I want him to know that even if I have nothing to offer him, I will offer him all the intangible things that he does need and doesn't always have.

Unconditional love and support. An emotional shelter in the worst of the days. Empathy and understanding.

This blog is a mess.